Are we still friends? We used to be friends. We used to tell secrets and eat dinner and smash things. You used to hold my heart in your hands. I cherished, I believed in, everything you said.
Now I’m standing here on the subway, coasting home at slow to moderate speed, the strong smell of unbathed homelessness filling each car I run into, and out again, and into the next.
I see you on social media and you look good! You look successful. What you made for dinner last night looks amazing, and I wonder where you picked up those mad culinary skills.
I like all those pictures of your kids and your vacations. I’m so glad to know that you are healthy and well, and still laughing that same laugh I loved you to laugh when I made you laugh it. I can see that you are really feeling things, and I’m glad that you feel them. We used always to feel them together.
The only thing is, and this is a real things, there’s no thing between us. I can watch your life unfold in its glorious and joyous moments, I can laugh at your jokes. I can commiserate with you about the staggeringly many horrible things that happen in our country and in our world. But what’s also real is that we are shadows to each other. We are reflections, provide validations, where once we were friends.
What happened? Did we grow apart? Let other things get in the way? Stack our priorities one on top of the next, leaving each other on the bottom?
Or did we mean to let each other go? Was there something between us that you didn’t need anymore? Did we hang on but not with a firm grasp? Did you stop wanting me in your life? I don’t remember making a conscious decision to not want you.
I peek at you from across the interwebs. I think of sending a d.m. but never do. I think of saying listen, I miss you. Was it something I said? Could we be friends again? But I figure, if you wanted to, you would just let me know.