are we still friends?

Are we still friends? We used to be friends. We used to tell secrets and eat dinner and smash things. You used to hold my heart in your hands. I cherished, I believed in, everything you said.

Now I’m standing here on the subway, coasting home at slow to moderate speed, the strong smell of unbathed homelessness filling each car I run into, and out again, and into the next.

I see you on social media and you look good! You look successful. What you made for dinner last night looks amazing, and I wonder where you picked up those mad culinary skills. 

I like all those pictures of your kids and your vacations. I’m so glad to know that you are healthy and well, and still laughing that same laugh I loved you to laugh when I made you laugh it. I can see that you are really feeling things, and I’m glad that you feel them. We used always to feel them together.

The only thing is, and this is a real things, there’s no thing between us. I can watch your life unfold in its glorious and joyous moments, I can laugh at your jokes. I can commiserate with you about the staggeringly many horrible things that happen in our country and in our world. But what’s also real is that we are shadows to each other. We are reflections, provide validations, where once we were friends.

What happened? Did we grow apart? Let other things get in the way? Stack our priorities one on top of the next, leaving each other on the bottom?

Or did we mean to let each other go? Was there something between us that you didn’t need anymore? Did we hang on but not with a firm grasp? Did you stop wanting me in your life? I don’t remember making a conscious decision to not want you.

I peek at you from across the interwebs. I think of sending a d.m. but never do. I think of saying listen, I miss you. Was it something I said? Could we be friends again? But I figure, if you wanted to, you would just let me know.

 

my brother D came over and we brunched.

  

It was spring weather finally!

  

I attended a reading of my mini musical Condi on Ice, starring Patricia Gibson and Veronica Newton as Condoleezza Rice and Sally Ride, directed by Clifford Berry. This was part of the 365 Women a Year: a playwriting project, at the Sheen Center.

  

This is all of us outside during an interlude in which NYC’s finest came to inspect a reported gas leek. Veronica, Cliff, Patricia and me.

  

C thinks we should go back to film.

 

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10 thoughts on “are we still friends?

  1. carol

    All I can comment to this post is to remember the rules; one of is “don’t take it personally” and two is “don’t presume” (or close to that) Love you.

    Reply
      1. Uncomfortably Honest

        Hmm, it isn’t isolating to me. I think because our family is so spread out. It is a quick way to keep in touch. I’ve also found so many people from high school and college that I really do want to know now (hmm, hmm). Even if we weren’t close back then.

        But the reality of friendships shifting and sort of falling apart does make me lonely.

      2. li88yinc Post author

        That’s why it’s so wonderful, I agree. I keep deleting it from my phone then putting it back on. I love seeing everyone online, especially since I rarely see anyone off it.

  2. Randall

    When you get unfriended, it is sometimes almost a relief. I have had this thought many times, and it is quite weird. It’s like you made the friends list cut so many times until this round, and now you’re just gone. You hadn’t talked in 4+ years so can you blame them really? It’s Extra weird if you run into them again in person and have that awkward pause. I guess it really all depends on how each person sees their social media connections. Great post as usual Li88y

    Reply
    1. li88yinc Post author

      The end of a friendship on social media is so much more final than the old thing where people just grew apart. The unfriend has a severity to it. That awkwardness of running into a person who has been unfriended or who has unfriended you wouldn’t exist if it was just a couple of old friends who run into each other after having lost touch for a bunch of years. Now when you’re not really friends with someone anymore you’re really NOT friends, and even the memories of that once lovely friendship gets tainted by the new reality of how it’s been decided that you will not be friends anymore.

      Reply

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