But if I do, here’s what I want to say:
I’m feeling pretty angry.
So angry that I can’t get past it. That never happens. I gave up rage years ago after throwing a chair at Dave. He ducked and it smashed against the wall and he said something like: if we’re gonna be together you’re gonna hafta get that temper under control. Turns out, at that time in my life, I’d been angry for most if it.
So I worked on forgiveness. I tried to learn how to pray again. I tried to open my hands instead of clenching them in fists.
It wasn’t easy, but I got that bitch under control.
Without delving into the backstory too much: I made a joke. It went badly, as these things so often do. Things were misconstrued all over the place. There was drama. Now it’s over. Maybe things are irrevocable, maybe they’re not. Whatevs. We stand where we stand.
So for the record, here’s a list of things I’m free to joke about any time I damn well please:
- being punched in the face by my dad when I was 13 years old
- being left by my mom when I was 10 months old
- having taken plenty of drugs and lived to to joke about
- my friends who did not live through it
- being pushed down the stairs by my step mom
- being told my dad’s second divorce was my fault because I wasn’t doing my chores
- throwing chairs at my husband (I don’t do that anymore)
- anything else that is or was painful in my life
- whatever I damn well please